Another nightmare

Another mass shooting last weekend, this time in Las Vegas. Funnily enough, I had originally planned to go to Vegas this weekend. My bf had even asked for a day off from work so that we could spend a 3-day weekend together. But due to various circumstances, we elected not to go to Vegas after all. Thank goodness for that, as I don't think I would have been comfortable making the trip after the shooting outside Mandalay Bay. Having stayed at the Delano twice for SHM meetings, I was very familiar with the area around Mandalay Bay, including the venue where the shooting took place. And I couldn't help but wonder, what if something like this happened to me?

In my mind I saw myself lying in an ICU bed, on a ventilator, unresponsive to all stimuli, my head covered in bandages from a bullet to the head. Massive brain damage with no hope of recovery. I saw my parents at my side, then my sister and brother-in-law, and my boyfriend. Everyone is crying. My niece and nephew are too young to visit an ICU and I would not want them to see me like that anyway. I see my mother wailing, the way she cried when my maternal grandparents died. I see my father trying to keep his emotions in check, but even he cannot stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. I see a representative from TOSA standing outside my room, preparing to talk to my family about organ donation. I had listed myself as an organ donor on my driver's license, and I have spoken to my parents about how I would want to be an organ donor if I died. I'd like to think that they would honor my wishes. In my mind I can also see my loved ones saying goodbye to me for the last time, but the mental image of this has brought me to tears myself.

This is not a far stretch of the imagination. Ever since our hospital became a trauma center, I've seen firsthand what humans can do to each other. A man who murdered his girlfriend in a nearby town became our patient when he turned the gun on himself and shot himself in the head. He did not survive, but before he died, TOSA was able to ensure that his organs would be harvested  and donated to others in need. I wonder who granted permission to harvest his organs. Did his parents agree to it as a way of making up for the life that their son took away? Who knows.

All I know is that I never want my family to experience the scenario I outlined above. We should not have to live in fear that violence will take our lives away, but lately this seems to be more likely a reality. And that's very sad.