Blast from the past

A few days ago, I had a near-encounter with my childhood bully.

When I was around 7-9 years old, I got picked on a lot in [language] school because I was one of the youngest kids in my class, and I was an easy target for my classmates. The ringleader was a guy about 2 years older than me and his father was the principal, so he probably got away with a lot of stuff. I won't go into detail what happened back then, but it usually ended up with me in tears (I cried easily as a kid). It was a miserable time of my life, and to this day I tend to avoid anything related to that particular church (and maybe church in general) because it was not a safe place for me at a time when I needed (and did not get) extra support.

We grew up, and while the bully and I still had mutual friends (and the same music teacher), we never really crossed paths again after junior high. One of my friends developed a crush on him at a region meet; I was quick to talk her out of it. I'd heard he'd gone out of state for college, but in my 4th year of undergrad, I ran into his mother on a plane on the way home from a med school interview. She then proceeded to tell me how her son was attending a prestigious medical school and was doing very well for himself, emphasizing his interest in research (which I personally did not care for). When I told her which medical school I got accepted to, she immediately cut me down, saying it was a horrible school and that I should withdraw my acceptance. Wow, really?

Flash forward nine years to 2014. My medical education complete, I was starting my 3rd year as a hospitalist when I learned that the bully had also begun practicing medicine in the same city as me.  My PCP belongs to a multispecialty clinic which sends regular email updates on any new hires; imagine my surprise when I opened an email which announced that the bully was joining the clinic as a medicine subspecialist! "You've got to be kidding!" I muttered out loud. Several other doctors in the vicinity asked what had happened. Not wanting to go into detail, I just said that one of my least favorite people will be practicing medicine across town. Some of the male docs immediately assumed that the bully was an ex-boyfriend; that's a laughable idea.

At that time, I wondered what would happen if I did run into the bully again. Would he even remember who I was? Was he ever sorry? Does it even matter, 20+ years later? We're all adults now, and people change. I can definitely say I'm no longer the crybaby that got picked on almost every week; in fact, people tell me that as far as first impressions go, I can be pretty cold until I warm up to you. Interestingly, not long after I saw that email, I had a dream in which the bully and I talked things over (don't recall exactly what), and at the end he said he was sorry. After that, I decided that I would no longer let him cast a shadow over me. Though we may live in the same city, the chances of us crossing paths was very low, and I put him out of my mind.

Then, while visiting my family over Thanksgiving, I recognized the bully's father when we went to one of our favorite restaurants for lunch. My dad recognized him, too, and while those two stopped to exchange greetings, I proceeded to my table without saying hello. I wondered if the bully was there, too, and suddenly I dreaded the thought of having to come face to face with him. Was that my inner child rearing her head? My dad returned to the table and told me that he saw and shook hands with the bully, and said that I should be polite and say hello, too.

I did say hello to his father, but when I saw anyone who even looked remotely like the bully in the buffet line, I turned my head and made myself invisible. Because even though it's been 20+ years, I had no desire to acknowledge his presence or speak to him. "Hate" is too strong a word as I do not waste time thinking about him and he is not worthy of whatever hatred I may possess; however, I think I can certainly say I dislike him for how his bullying affected me in the long run. Maybe I was a coward for avoiding him, but he has no place in my life, and I prefer to keep it that way.

Of course, there's still a slim chance that I'll cross paths with him again. And if it happens, I hope I'll be able to leave childhood hurts aside, and show that I've truly changed for the better.